


Why Can't I Let Go?

by sherlocksavedme



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), M/M, Mental Breakdown, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 09:47:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15434334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlocksavedme/pseuds/sherlocksavedme
Summary: Connor Muprhy has PTSD, and during a breakdown, he desperately needs Evan's help. Evan tries to comfort him the only way he knows how.





	Why Can't I Let Go?

**Author's Note:**

> This is purely self-indulgent. I have PTSD. I was having a really bad night, so I wrote something to soothe my stupid trauma brain.

Evan slipped through the door and latched it quietly behind him. He resented the pounding in his chest and took in an even breath.  _Calm down. He needs you right now._  
“Hey, Connor,” he murmured. “You texted?” He grimaced as he thought about the message:  _i need you rn. please._  Connor never needed help. This couldn’t be good.

Evan pressed his back against the wall and scoped out the scene before him.  
Connor sat precariously on the edge of his bed, hunched over with his elbows digging into his knees. His dark hair fell in loose curls that spilled shadows across his face. His sleeves were clutched tight in his palms, and his knuckles were white. Evan felt a foreboding shiver trickle down his spine. For a moment, he froze and his chest constricted. He had never seen him like this before. Nervous heat flushed his face. He wished he could suppress his spiraling thoughts for just one moment.

This was not like him. Connor was never curled in on himself. Connor looked like he was in so much pain. He never looked like that. Why was he in pain? What happened to him? What happened to him? 

Different scenarios flashed in his mind, each one making less sense than the last.  
He lost his lighter, his hair was too knotted to brush, his jacket zipper snapped. Zoe hit him back. His dad spit a slur. His mom curled back a passive aggressive comment. They slammed doors in his face, they screamed at him. They kicked him out. They hate him, he was hurt, someone hurt him, he was bleeding again, he was bleeding, or someone was bleeding and--

“Evan.”

A breath caught in his throat.  _Slow down. Focus._  He zeroed in on the boy. Connor had barely said his name above a whisper. His voice hissed and sputtered out, like he was trying to hold back tears.

Evan swallowed hard and cleared his throat to avoid the nervous rasp. “What is it, Connor?” Pain pulsed from one temple to another. “Wh-what do you need?”  He ignored the dizziness that overwhelmed him.

Tense silence stretched between the two. Evan listened to Connor wheeze in gasp after gasp, nearly silent and controlled. Connor gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut.  
Evan’s pulse quickened and he and tried unsuccessfully to keep the rising panic from his voice. “What can I do? What’s wrong?” 

In a burst that made Evan flinch, Connor seized up and shrunk further into himself. Connor let out a whimper so pained it made Evan shiver. He could see his entire body begin to shake.  
_Snap out of it!_  Evan pushed away growing terror and forced himself towards the boy. He knelt several paces away onto the carpet. At this level, he could see the fibers of his ripped jeans shaking as his knee bouncing up and down rapidly.  
   
_“Evan.”_  Connor’s knee jerked again and he curled his fingers deep into his scalp.  _“Please.”_  His hand shot out and gripped Evan's, and he nearly cried out in fright. Evan swallowed down the knot in his throat.  _Get it together. He needs you._

Evan squeezed his hand tightly and slowly drew himself onto the bed next to Connor. Connor flinched again and shook his head curtly. Evan fought to keep his voice steady. “Hey, Connor, it’s okay. It’s me.” He took his hand in his other one and slid his arm around his back. Connor tensed at the immediate touch, then relaxed slightly and leaned into him. Connor kept his head down and squeezed his hand sporadically, mumbling something Evan couldn’t hear. Evan tried hard to force out the fear growing in his gut. “Connor, what--”

“Please just make them stop!” he gasped, his voice high-pitched and tight. Fear spilled down Evan’s back. He had no idea who they were, or what was going on. Evan felt sweat form on his brow. Against his nervous intuition, he moved closer and pressed Connor’s rigid body closer to him, hoping the pressure could keep him grounded. The boy began to tremble harder into him. “Make them stop, make them stop!” Pain pricked his hand as Connor dug his nails in harder and he seized up again. Evan closed his eyes briefly and pulled the shaking boy tighter into him, willing him to focus on his touch. He focused on his own breathing, as to not plunge into a panic attack himself.

“Shh…” Evan hissed, rubbing his shoulder hard and rocking slightly. He couldn’t tell if the trembling he felt was Connor's or his own. Who are they? What did they do to him?

Evan ran his hand into Connor’s hair, finding it damp with sweat. He spoke in slurred, hurried gasps, desperate to get through to him. “Connor, look at me. Look at me. It’s just me here. It’s just Evan.” 

“I just want them to _stop!”_

Evan flinched again and curled his fingers tighter into him. _What is he talking about? Who did this to him? He never told me about this!_  Evan slipped his hand onto his cheek. He was crestfallen to feel it hot and damp with tears. “Connor Murphy, look at me. I’m here. You’re here safe with me.” He put his thumb under his chin and willed him to glance up.  
At last, he lifted his face. Curls fell back, revealing eyes red and face streaked with tears. His pupils were dilated. Connor’s eyes darted back and forth, following an invisible being in his mind’s eye. Evan knew he was staring in the face of something terrifying, invisible to the lucid and grounded boy. 

Evan stroked Connor’s cheek and held his face level with his. He pushed back the screaming fear gnawing in his belly as he tried to look Connor in the eye. “Hey, hey, pay attention to me. I’m here, I’m here. No one else is going to hurt you.” Connor’s head tipped away and he squeezed his eyes shut as another spasm shook his body. 

“I asked them to stop! I asked them to stop! They never stopped!” Connor’s voice rose to a high-pitched cry, and all at once, he collapsed into Evan. Evan’s eyes grew wide in terror but he embraced him entirely. He took the boy in his arms and let him curl up into his lap, firmly stroking his hair. Connor began to tremble harder as he began to cry. Evan had never seen him cry. He felt his own throat tighten in terrified adrenaline but forced it down.

All the muscles in Evan’s body were screaming at him to get out of there and find a place calm and quiet. The probability of a panic attack amidst invisible terror flashed across his mind. Evan dug his teeth into his cheek, pressed his mouth into Connor’s hair, and sighed heavily. _Connor needs me. Connor needs me._

For a long while, Evan cradled Connor. He could feel the boy's heartbeat slowing against him. His head pounded with fatigue. He couldn't imagine how miserable Connor felt. Evan felt him slowly relax in his arms, and he willed himself to do the same. Even when sweat began to roll down his temple, Evan kept his grip firm on him. He ran his fingers through Connor’s hair and pushed it away from his face, flushed pink with adrenaline. He looked exhausted. 

“You’re okay, Connor. It’s just Evan. I promise.” Connor tipped his head towards Evan. The cloudy film that shadowed his eyes moments before began to dissipate. He blinked, and Evan met gazes with him. Finally, he thought in exasperation. Connor's eyes were dark and clear. Evan swallowed down the tight knot forming in his throat. 

“I’m sorry." Connor's rasp was barely audible. “I’m sorry. It just… came over me. I couldn’t stop it.” Connor shifted to look at him better and Evan’s gut knotted in worry. He swallowed hard again and exhaled. "I was so scared."

Evan's chest ached. “You don’t have to tell me anything.” _I wish you would sometime._

A long silence passed between them. He made a mental note of Connor’s breathing that was evening out. 

“You tell no one this happened.” 

He sighed again and pushed more hair back from his face. He wanted to say something but didn't know what would reassure him. Evan frowned slightly in confusion. 

Connor grunted and pushed himself upwards out of Evan’s arms. He let his fingers linger on his knee. “I mean it, Evan. Not Zoe, not Jared, no one.”

Evan nodded firmly. “I get it, Connor.” Immediately after the words tumbled from his mouth, he pressed his teeth into his lip and grimaced. “No, I mean, I don’t get it, I never could get it, I obviously don’t have what you have—” Connor placed a hand on Evan's cheek this time, silencing him. Evan felt butterflies flit in his stomach as gave the tiniest, breathiest laugh.

"I know, honey."

Evan let out an embarrassed sigh. He took Connor's hand from his face and kissed the back of it. He glanced back up at him. His face was returning to its natural, pale glow, the redness fading from his cheeks. He exhaled slowly. "Are you okay, Connor?"

He tipped his head to the side and nodded slowly. "I am, right now." He paused for several heartbeats, and his eyes darkened. "This is something that will always be with me. I won't ever be okay." He bounced air quotes around 'okay'. 

Evan nodded. He understood, truly. It was like with any mental health condition.

"It comes and goes," the boy continued. "Maybe I won't be affected so deeply as I am now in the future, but I'll always battle with it." He cast a long, half-lidded glance towards Evan. Evan felt his ears warm, a smile creeping on his face. "Thank you for being with me through it."

Evan breathed through his nose, took both of his hands, and leaned in close to Connor. "I won't ever disappear. I promise."

Connor returned the smile. It was a rare sight these days, Evan suddenly realized. Before he could overthink anything any longer, Connor pushed his fingers through the back of his hair, closed the space between them, and pressed his lips gently against his.

Evan's heartbeat spiked, but for once, not out of fear. He held back a sigh of contentment, flitted his eyes closed, leaned into the kiss. 

Connor kissed harder, running his fingers through Evan's tight curls. He broke apart briefly, and after a murmur of protest from Evan, he whispered, "Thank you for not disappearing."


End file.
